I heard of Parkinson’s disease before my diagnosis- I was a fan of Muhammad Ali and Michael J. Fox. I knew it made you shake...and, well that was about all I knew. I didn't know what else to expect...
I did not realize that my whole identity would be compromised. Transformed.
Changed.
I didn't have "the shakes"- or, tremors, as much, but I did have a movement disorder, and gait issues. My walk had become challenging, to say the least. I was embarrassed to use public transportation by myself to get to work. I could only imagine how I looked sitting on the light rail, twitching. I didn’t want to be mistaken for a drug addict.
My face began to take on the masked look. And, I hated it. I had become seriously depressed. I felt as if I was becoming completely unattractive, and worried that my third husband would leave me. And, he did.
I started having speech problems. Sometimes, I would produce slurred words, unintelligible words. And, the stuttering, trying to get words out, trying to articulate with a delayed response as my brain struggles to process and compute what I need or want to say... was the worst.
How I walk? I look like I'm about to fall over, or like, I'm trying really hard to not lose my balance. I look like a drunk attempting to walk a straight line. And, my favorite (total sarcasm)- not knowing what my face is doing when I'm in public... the expressions I'm making. I don't know because I sometimes can't feel my muscle's moving, or contracting when my head moves about whenever I start to speak. That might be hard to picture, but it's difficult to explain. It's as if I am not able to multitask, or I NEED to multitask, in order to be able to move. For example, there are some mornings, when I'm able to brush my teeth while standing at the sink in the bathroom, and other times while walking around the apartment (when I am too rigid to move my arm, or my hand up and down and around and round).
I'm totally aware of what I look like to others. What I believe, I look like to others. ...and I allowed it to become problematic.
Depression was trying to consume me. It didn't want me to be energized or healthy. I had no motivation. It wanted me to stay in bed, to keep isolated. It tried to defeat me. It almost did. I almost let it take me out. But that's not me. That was not my character, my identity...
See, prior to my diagnosis, I had been a lively, energetic, social butterfly. I was tIhe entertainer, the one that would make you laugh when you wanted to cry; that would dance with you all night. I was joyous, a go-getter, risk-taker, and I was a dreamer...
Parkinson's destroyed all of that- my confidence was nowhere to be found. I had become incredibly insecure and fearful of everything.
Fear had a strong hold of me.
I had to keep reminding myself, it only mattered what my God thought of me. He was the only one I needed to please.
One night my friend asked me, "What do you think I see when I look at you?" Before I could give her an answer, she said, "I see a beautiful woman who is struggling, but making every effort to persevere and to persevere, well." Of course, that made me cry, but it also made me take a closer look within...
I had been so consumed with the outside appearance, and the changes brought on by this neurological disease that I disregarded the things that actually mattered. Like, what was in my heart...
*random thought*
You know what we never stop to think about? (I'm assuming we never do)
How our insecurities can become a hindrance to Kingdom work.
Ain't that something??
I needed to get my act together ❤️
So here I am, seven years living with Parkinson's. I still have moments of not wanting to go places, or do certain things because of my appearance. When that happens I make it a point to step out in faith. Sometimes I have to be intentional.
I lean on the LORD for all things and I trust and rely on His guidance.
The Most High humbled me. When it sunk in that my identity is in Christ, and not of myself, I was able to embrace these new "features" or changes in my life.
Also, having an attitude of gratitude, really helps.
I am grateful to be alive.
Chronic illnes, and all.
1 Samuel 16:7 (NIV) says, "...The Lord does not look at the things people look at. People look at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart".
Galatians 1:10 (ESV) states, "For am I now seeking the approval of man, or of God? Or am I trying to please man? If I were still trying to please man, I would not be a servant of Christ."